What have you learned about life lately?

for ensemble of whispering voices and audience

(texts taken from the Spirit Maps project)

Philip Blackburn (with thanks to Don Engstrom)

April 1994

Performed UM, 5.27.94

To the audience:

You are invited to find your own space somewhere within the performing area. Please stand still, close your eyes if you like. When you sense someone approaching you, ask them the following question: What have you learned about life lately?

To the ensemble:

The phrases below were generated in response to a general call to everyone whose life has been affected by HIV. You are invited to select one (or fragment of one) which has especial resonance for you (or alternatively you may make your own response) and memorize it.

The performing area is under dim lighting. Starting from outside, enter one by one and quietly approach a member of the standing audience. When one asks What have you learned about life lately? you whisper your selected response directly into their ear, as close and soft as possible. If you have brought some flowers with you, you may then give one to the person you have just whispered to. Then move gently to another audience member and repeat, trying to contact everyone once.

After you have covered everyone (or after a pre-arranged time period) you may leave the performing space. When the last ensemble member has left, the lights may be raised after a long pause.

Q. What have you learned about life lately?

A. Walk out of solitude and mend wounds

I gotta hand it to ya. Where did these fingers come from? Stop, smell the roses, hear the ocean, see the light, touch the noewborn's soft hair, feel how carefully we must walk about the heart. Life goes on despite our cares, despite our woes, weeds or basil. Always looking for the last word, I say goodbye. God be with you all the days whether or not you or I believe it's possible to forgive or let go of pride and resentment and pretend I will be here longer than now or forever.

March 10th, 1993. I found out today and this must be hell because the heavens are falling down on me. Daemons, angels, flowers dancing passed me, misty shrouds dissolving downwards into a hole as deep as my heart, and I am sitting in a box with sunlight on my skin like a memory setting me aglow. Awaken sleepers, the time is now. 1-2-3 little indians.

Life is to enjoy. Lean on me. Let me lean on you. The world is brighter, more alive. People are important.

Hope, Love, Friends, Family, Life: all of these things have become more dear to me.

I have learned not to take things for granted because you never know if there will be a tomorrow. Also, I've realized there are still a lot of caring people in the world.

To talk to my loved one and to learn to handle small and big problems and to live life to the fullest. Teach and learn more about HIV and AIDS! You see things in a different way. It seems like you do things you never done before. You run into rude people that can say and do many rude things to you. Those people get on my last nerve. They are very dumb. Learn to smile.

Control counts. We're fightersÑabout lifeÑpeople are resilient. Loneliness hurts. Ouch! Friendships happen. Advocacy works. Friends care but don't always know how to show it. Smiles mean a lot. I've learned how to say goodbye. You can't always have what you need, so know what you can't live without... and know what you can. To do the best we can with what we've got and fight for more. I've learned to cry...and how to stop crying.Waiting is part of the game. Nurses put up with a lot and still they care. Dying is hard work... living is not easy either.

My thinking had been swiss chees; my reasoning full of holes. Evidence. Guilt. Nonsense. etc. Memory. Sex crime. Hate propaganda. E=MC2 HIV+ Lies. FDA. March 10th, 1993. FBI. Blood, semen, urine, spit, intercourse, intravenous, epidemic, lactose, intolerance, condoms, hope, health, love.

Labels lose meaning. I learned a lot about...sexual addiction, bi-polar manic depressive, borderline schizophrenic multiple personality, two-spirited plague, drug abuser, witch novice, mystic troll, leper, sinner, me. I have learned much about memory and spiritual matters, remembering abilities I'd forgotten as a grown up.

I've learned much about relationships and about priorities, letting go, and about things that are held on to, but I haven't learned enough. I am not about to stop growing, learning, or experiencing new things. Love will never lose its importance though its form is a nebulous thing of flux and change.

Touch not the hand but with the glove.

I passionately love myself and all my faults and talents, life and also that forever elusive man of my dreams. I love good foods, hot music, sunshine, people with classic looks and good taste. I dislike winter, pity, badly made products, the CRTC, racism and bigotry, also empty refrigerators. Make sure we have food. Couch potatoes don't need 500 channels of television, virtual reality sexÑthere is nothing like the real thing. Cows produce more meat than milk: their methane gas (farts) are killing our ozone. Canada has an excellent health care system. There are vapor rivers in the sky bigger than the Mississippi, don't attempt to superglue your teeth back in! Anti-oxygens and yoga are the key to a healthy body and mind. Concrete jungles creat environmental disease. Laughter has healing properties. Marijuana has proven medicinal purposes which have been hidden from the public: legalize it! My real father abandoned me: where R U Hubert Schmitky? Per capita there are 2 cars per house, and each home has 6 credit cards. AIDS is a military experiment in which it will be 40 years for them to admit it: Ex. Downwinders (U.S. atomic testing).

Government$Disease$Killing We are all HIV+

My name is Mark Mans. I was born 7.21.56 in Englewood, New Jersey, and now live in San Diego, California with my life partner, Rich Burrows. I became infected with HIV at some time from 1979-1984, but I am healthier now than I have ever been before. I've learned not to hold back.

You love me a bunch. Always be happy. Love. Always be kind. I enjoy working with the handicapped people like myself. You should always listen to your instincts. I enjoy activity.

Connections: memory, friends, loss, anger, family, sadness, rituals, self love 4 growth.

I've learned that you must appreciate your friends while you still have them.

AIDS is not going away. Art and creativity are important in life.

I've learned to count each day's small gifts. I've learned that we live in a global community. What I consume of the earth's resources, how I treat my sisters and brothers (everyone) how I care for and love myself, affects Mother Earth, my fellow travellers and my own happiness. Our interrelatedness, our connection has become Oh so clear.

The spirits keep bringing us skeins. As long as we live here, we seem to have no choice but to accept delivery. What choice we do have is in how we weave and sew. But I still don't know from where come those little tags which say: "Inspected by 69." Much love to all, BeanDip.

Many AIDS Service Organizations in B'ham continue to fight over money, wanting to take it all and provide less the adequate services to PWA's. I continue to pray that God will end this disease so that all ASO can close down because right now their hunger for money is preventing them from providing help.

I used to think that in my circle of friends, the dying would soon be over. Now, I wonder who will be left when I grow old.

My friend, my brother (for Jonathan Walton, 1943-1988):

Child, he was classy, and sassy, and fine. I called him Cleopatra, the queen of the night. His voice was a mixture of African tones and Italian opera, and a Cuban song with laughing maracas, vilins, and drums. He was dressy, soave, he was so down home. He was sweet and mellow like Jamaican rum. Child, let me tell you, I wish you had known this man, this bouquet of flowers shining in the sun. Jonathan, my friend, my brother, where have you gone?

I have learned that we are all precious and irreplaceable.

Life in Death in Life: Sex, Self, Passion, Pride, Power, Birth, Initiation, Consummation, Repose, Death

Remember: live well, question authority, Love=>Total quality management, vibration. Life: Little did I know when I was preconscious. I know less now. Except, that love is something; loss is something. Return is unknowable...and unexpected.

On January 14th, 1993, my best friend Melissa was killed in an automobile accident. Throughout last year I realized how precious life is. But, moreover, I realized and learned that good friends are the essence of life. I never realized how much Missy meant to me until she was killed. I never told her, either. When I found out where she was buried I visited her with a friend. On December 23rd, 1993, two of my other friends went with me to her grave. One friend brought a rose to lay on her grave. When she did that I was brought to tears. I learned a great lesson. Friends, true friends, will always be there for you. They hurt when you hurt and are happy when you are happy. My friends mean so much to me now. I learned my lesson the hard way. My friends know how much they mean to me; I tell them. I'm glad I realized this but I wish I could have learned a different way. I miss Melissa so much.

I've learned that east and west can co-exist for the good of all!

I have learned that a dick has no conscience...as much as I hate politics, I would sleep with Rush Limbaugh. But only if I could spank him, and then come in his mouth...I have learned that life is too short. Period. I have learned to quote the 8th century Baghdad poet Bachar Ibn Bourd: "Therefore, take your lover just as he is for if you refuse to drink the water of the oasis pool with its little bits of straw you risk dying of thirst..." I wish I had learned this ten years agoÑmaybe I wouldn't be alone right now... I have learned that noone is too fat to lve...not even me! Piss on Jesse Helms! Be free free free free free free free free free free.

Having HIV+ has shown me to grab life and run with it! Knowing AIDS has almost crushed my soul...

People; relationships (both individually and collectively as a society) matter most.

We all need to move from fearful to helping

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things." "I daresay you haven't had much practice." said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a dya. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as 6 impossible things before breakfast." [from Alice through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll. "I chose the quote from Alice because I have been HIV+ since 1985, and doctors have told me I was being "impossible" by insisting I could remain healthy with the virus. However, I have been healthy and intend to remain that way."]

AIDS. Freedom. Death Education is important Michael Callen--Warrior

Friendship ought not be taken for granted I miss Sue

Senseless struggle with real-and+impact I haven't the luxury of turning away when I feel too sad or tired.

Terror

I miss the young voices AIDS kills. Don't fuck with it!

My sadness won't consume me My peace is a work in progress My anger must be felt, expressed and integrated My joy needs no excuse My strength is sufficient Angels keep going long after everyone else has given up!

Life is wonderful! We must live each day as though it may be our lastÑBe happy and don't make anyone unhappy by what you might say or doÑTreat everyone the way you would want to be treatedÑbe caring and compassionate towards othersÑyou may not see them againÑbe nice and helpfulÑhave peace in your life and love in your heart. Pray for an end to this senseless destruction.

The fear we carry inside us is the only thing that stops us! We define what is truth and what is happiness. Intelligence is not knowing a lot of facts, but rather knowing where to find the facts. When you see happiness just reach out and grab it. This life is NO dress rehearsal for another show later. There are those who can talk "the talk" but few who can walk "the walk." To love another is to see the face of God! They say that these are not the best of times, but they are the only times I've ever known.

It's good to be seen and wake up every morning, to accept everyone with no prejudice, accept my handicaps, to have God and family; talk more to family. Not to judge another people, to appreciate every day, to give more love and understanding, not to expect too much of the future, thank God for health.

Truth. Life is a blessing.

Laugh. Be spiritual. Be honest. Reach out. Cry. Lately I have learned to LIVE LIFE.

These hands so long ago started holding on for dear life sometimes tightly grasping and fearful of falling down and breaking and hurting The pain and brokenness came along with a lot of resistance. Still I have two to hold fast, to hold still, to rest alongside the side of me all sides of "me." now accepted like a warm breath welcome home. Put your hands together if you want to make a joyful noise, if you want to bring it on home. Hi there brother, clouds come and go. The other side. Break or reach on through to the other side that's here. One hand, one heart reaching in, stretching out, by and by. Soon these hands will need gloves. Fear of opening right away. Come to your senses and feel.

I hit your hate with my left, I hit your no-compassion illogic with my right, and my left and right hands replace hate...and send love to all who need it.

I have been learning about layers of time.

The only one who you can trust is yourself. To live life fully we must nurture a dream, pursuing it wildly and without fear because the history of one's life should never be looked at threough the eyes of regret. Nothing in life is the same; we have different ideas and feel things, and feel things in vastly different ways. There is no group which calls itself "they;" there is only "us."

We cannot give up, not now, not ever. We surround one another, each of us a solitary thought in a storm-tossed ocean of ideas. We reach out to those around us with what strength we possess in hopes of salvation, refuge...to feel complete, whole. Some believe they succeed, some believe they fail. The truth...lies with each of us in the dark of night, our thoughts, unique, ourown, show us how many we truly are.

A lot of people think of everything in either-or's, right or wrong, gay or straight, disposition or situation. When we dichotomize, we miss the in-betweens; the diversity of life is not static and is too rich to be ignored.

The spectrum of HIV and AIDS is teaching everyone about the fragility of life; no-one can walk away from the experience without evaluating that which we value most.

We cannot give up. Ever.

Singing can save the world. Now know what is important. Ask us.

Life...it is, and then it ain't...and when it ain't no more, it don't matter a whole lot what were in between.

Plant your own garden, decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. In any one day we are never given more than we can handle. Fear is all that keeps us from getting past the wall. I must thank you for getting to be part of my life. Life can be joy too. Goodness is godness and is in all of us. You cannot love another at the expense of your own soul. It is always within our power to find the help we need; we must first ask for it. I have learned that loving is all there is and it's the giving that matters.

Having AIDS has taught me a lot. Here are a few of the gems life has taught me: Each day is a gift. Loving life is the best thing I can do for health. May the blessings be.

AIDS has helped remind me that I get to choose, every minute, whether I'm living in fear or loving in love. I can choose love.AIDS has helped me learn detatchment, in particular, - detatchment from my body - detatchmen from pressing problems, unfinished projects - detatchment from being in control of my life. May the blessings be.

Since becoming HIV+ I have learned something which may have made my 39 years on this planet more enjoyable: PLAY! I have worked all my life, from growing up on a farm, to taking care of a husband, children, assorted pets, etc. I never took the time to sit back and do something just for myself. I now allot a time period each day to doing something non-other related, such as sewing, reading a book, listening to music that I want to hear, or taking a walk in a nearby garden. I find myself thinking "What if I never get to see (do, listen to) this particular thing again? Would I rather go to my grave with the thought that I worked hard and gave all for others at the expense of myself, or would I rather spend my last days reliving all the wonders I have seen and experienced?" I find great joy in my friends, and unless I am too ill, try to go to every party, every shared time together, so that my friends and I have good memories of each other when the time comes that I depart this plane of existence and move onto the next. I want my soon-to-be-born grandchild to remember me as a fun and loving person, not someone whose vocabulary seldom wavers from "NO! DON'T DO THAT!" In some ways, HIV has taught me that life here is not always long, predictable, or without pleasure. We must truly Carpe Diem... seize the moment... since for many of us, each moment is a crisp, clear reminder of the fragility of life.

Martin Luther, when asked what he would do if he knew the world would end tomorrow, replied: "I'd plant a tree." This was a poem for my friend Tony who recently died. It was for his birthday several weeks before:

Tony Plants a Tree

We kneel... We water... We wait... All of us... planted now No less by you than angels Wrapped in your courage blessing Sewn together in your humor Fed into heaven on your breath

Life has recently taught me that it can end at any given moment and that no-one lives forever. I have seen that lova and laughter and enjoying life is so essential to every day. It is so incredible to see the power of the positive mind of my brother guiding him through life with AIDS. Hope. Faith.

Give hope. Share knowledge.

My heroes and heroines. 30 Oct. 93. I have decided not to emulate heroines and heroes anymore. I will only listen to their stories and take courage from their strength. They have not seen what I have seen, they have not touched whom and what I have touched. Nor have they been touched by the same people and the same things in the same way as I. They have not lain in the same place in the purple snow under the same glistening full moon. My heroines have not pulled themselves in to the same warm back under the same warm blankets in the same warm bed that I have. My heroes don't hear the music in the water like I do; they hear their own music very unlike what I can even imagine. Some can put together words that make me feel like flying. I have a heroine who paints pictures over which I weep and dream for weeks. Some of these people reach in and shake my soul. But I will not emulate them because they cannot smell the earth like I do, because they do not listen in the way that I listen, they cannot see what I see.

24 years since I've sat in a "beauty shop" chair -- almost an inch of hair for every year. Somehow I'm trying to change my identity to myself. Of myself. For myself. It's just hair. It keeps coming out of my head and the mess I've made of it really doesn't measure up to the impact of unconditional love or being witness to a birth or touched by a death. Still, 24 years is most of my life so far, and 24 inches is most of my hair. Still, a fraction is just part of a larger whole

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